she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
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ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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