How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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