Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
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You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
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He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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