So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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