You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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