apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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