i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
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I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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