did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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