Small penises have feelings too.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
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In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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