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mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
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