So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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