I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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