The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
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Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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