I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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