i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
worst night to have a conscience
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I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
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I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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