Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
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It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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