I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
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We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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