I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
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Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
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Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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