I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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