The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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