one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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