My cat gives me a boner
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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