I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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