i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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