her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
did you just send me my own nude
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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