Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
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We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
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i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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