Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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