Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
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I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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