I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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