You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
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Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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