i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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