i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
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