Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
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Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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