i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
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think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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