My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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