My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
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Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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