He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
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Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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