dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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