She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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