I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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