8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize