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I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We named our party play list daddy issues
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
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