If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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