if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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