I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
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if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
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We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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