im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
worst night to have a conscience
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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