I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
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Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
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Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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