You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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