Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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