my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
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OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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